I'm going to type until things start to feel better. I feel stretched thin like deli meat. I'm feeling lonely and depressed when, for the most part, things are going awesome. I had an awesome weekend. We had a fight yesterday, but we talked it out, so that shouldn't be making me depressed today. It's cloudy, but that shouldn't effect me this badly. I feel like death is following me. I feel like I want to go to sleep. I miss my wife and I feel like I'm messing up her dreams. I just want to go home and I'm just not sure why I'm acting this way. There's nothing wrong. Everything is okay except this nagging thing at the back of my head that says that everything I'm working for is going to fall apart. I know that's a stupid fear that the enemy uses to get in your head and causes you to dwell on things much longer than you should. I hate the fact that I feel like it's winning though. I haven't been steady with my Bible reading. Hell, I'm a senior in college and I feel like I don't know how to manage my time wisely and I just got a freaking room fine for not cleaning the bathroom because apparently, it was my turn this week. I feel like time is going by so slowly right now. This season of life is wonderful, but it's filled with lots of pressures. I don't feel like I'm doing all that I can for Megan. I know she beleives in me and that she loves me even if I frustrate and annoy the crap out of her sometimes. . .but I hate not being there for her during the week. I hate being stuck up here and having to worry about getting this and that stuff done. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even in the right vocation or if I'm missing the calling that God has placed on me. I'm not your typical church kid. I enjoy aspects of ministry, but I feel that I'm very limited in my scope insomuch as I keep to myself about things. I get afraid that all of this is just a persona that I've developed, as Dr. Haney would say, and not the person I really am. Then again, maybe it's just a fear of intimacy and building relationships with people. Ironicly, that's the part of ministry I love. It's what I want to do and be effective at it. I also want my theology to match and fit and know it enough to share Christ with other people. . .yet I can't remember leading ANYONE to know Christ. "You're a sewer", is what I'm told. . .but am I sewing tares? Obviously I'm insecure about everything today, but it feels good to vent and know that you're listening, Lord, and that Megan will read/talk with me about this. I need assurance that this will work out, but I need direction and wisdom also. I'm confident that if Megan loses her job, she will find another one, but I also know that I may have to withdraw for a while and focus on working for us until I can get back to my studies. All of this probably isn't coming out right. Part of me wonders if I would relish the oppertunity to work and earn money and support my wife fully. I also know that she's making great sacrifices for me right now and I'm humbled by it. It makes me want to work hard and I know I can if I put my mind to it. I hate this laziness/blah feeling that makes me go stagnant.

Motivate me. However you can, Lord. Take away my fear and forgive my sins this day. Amen.