Step away
Keep your distance
I can't be what you want me to be
But right now there are things inside I don't want you to see
So take your personal spotlight
Shine it on someone else for a while
I can't force a happy face or makeshift you a smile
I can't deny what I see, what I feel or what's in front of me
So take your world of precious moments of make-believe
They never made me believe in anything
But left me with nothing to hold on to
Your quick fix and magic tricks can only disguise what I was going through
And now I'm thinkin' it was when it wasn't
And now I'm tryin' to rationalize what just doesn't
Come together and somehow doesn't make sense
But God, how can I convince them when I'm not even convinced?

Everyone is thinkin' it, but nobody's sayin' it
Everyone's sayin' it, but nobody's feeling it
Everyone's feeling it, but nobody's seein' it
So how am I supposed to know what's real?

False sense of happiness
My security wrapped up in this
These control freaks seek out who they can brainwash and make activists
They'd rather have me lie than bring my failure to the light
Keep your secrets to yourself
It's not about you but them lookin' right
No time to be ugly
Don't trouble them with your doubt and fears
Shout for joy little boys and girls
You brokenness ain't welcome here
Well excuse me while I bleed through and my life becomes see-through
Don't ask for transparency but reject what you seein' too

Everyone is thinkin' it, but nobody's sayin' it
Everyone is sayin' it, but nobody's feelin' it
Everyone is feelin' it, but nobody is seein' it
So tell me, how am I supposed to know what's real?



"Freedom to Feel" by John Reuben


I'm hungry. Seriously hungry. . .and I've been wasting too much time pleasing the opinions that I have in my head. It's like I'm still trying to impress those people who never cared about me in the first place. All those people who would rather watch me kill myself in every scence of the word - and why would they care if I died? They're dead.

Lord Jesus, I don't know where this came from all of a sudden, but I'm tired of these flares of apathy. I want my fire to burn, but I feel like it's been snuffed out and I've grown cold. When I come into your place of worship today, I want you to take control. Take control. Just take control and do with me what you want to do. I know you don't need me, but I want to be used so bad. So pour me out and fill me up again. It's been too long since that's happened.