I love the Christmas season. I love being home, despite my family. I feel so different from them and it's hard to explain to them how I feel about my life. I guess I should expect that when they don't know everything about my life that I do, you know? It's weird to think that I shouldn't ever display that I deal with everything just like everybody else. I sometimes think that people look at me as some sort of super special person with amazing powers or something. "You're going into the ministry?". . . they say it as if it's either a death sentence or a cruel joke. It's just I feel compelled to follow Christ as far as I can and I take his message seriously. Granted, I mess up. I do some things that don't honor anybody or anyone. I'll be the first to admit my shortcommings when it comes to social interaction, and just how perverse my mind can be. Still, there is something keeping me from turning completely away and that's just it. I can't do those things with a pure heart. I can't turn away from my savior and what he's done for me. I know that God hardened my heart for a time, but then he called me to himself and ultimately he will justify me. I am his to do whatever pleases him the most. If I am to be destroyed, then he has decided that destroying me will bring him the most glory, I can't argue.

People mistake my zeal for a haughty attitude, but I wish they'd see that I'm not proud of my condition. I'm humbled by it. I feel unworthy of this honor, but I can't base my worth on my own perception. Being human means being fallen. So, in a sence, I can't feel worthy.

God has been so good to me. It took time for me to really see that. I've been given wonderful people that I can laugh and cry with. Friends that care for me. One girl that loves me. Parents that have provided for me. Anyone who says that God doesn't care isn't being fair. Sure, bad things have happened. I've hurt people. People have hurt me. I've hurt myself. I've ran away from God and his grace. I've faced God's wrath. I have a life filled with bitterness, pain, doubt, and uncertainty. But even if I never got another blessing and everything fell away from me, my life will be worth living because of the sacrifice of a baby, born in a manger through a couple of refugees in Bethlehem about 2000 years ago. I owe my life and everything I've been given to God.

It's funny when I go on a typing tyrade, but I love the feeling. Today, I make a vow not to look back at my past and remember the bad things, but to look at those things and remember where God has brought me. . .even when things are bad.

I love Christ. I love my family. I loves Megan ^_^. I love my friends. That's good enough for me.