It's the end of the semester, and I've blown everything.

Nothing short of a miricle is going to keep me from failing PTRW. I failed the paper. Now I'm just going to talk with Dr. Murray to see if I can do anything. My formatting was horrible. My paper was weak. I thought I was doing so well, but apparently I should have gone with my gut feeling. Not to mention that my grade in Foundations of Christian Psychology and Oral Communication haven't been my best work.

I feel ashamed. Maybe I'm not cut out for all of this stuff? I'm learning alot. I'm gaining experience. But what good is experience to people who only care about grades? I know I can do better. I know alot of this is my fault. I'm trying to combat it. That doesn't matter to my parents. . . and maybe it shouldn't. I'm a finacial burden. I'm going into a 'field of work' that doesn't pay much if anything. I'm so broke that I don't know if I'll be able to buy Christmas gifts for anyone. I want to provide for a family someday. I want to make Megan and everyone else happy. Maybe it's wrong of me to be so content, but I don't want to be dependant of my pain again.

My dad has already told me that if I don't get better grades, he's going to cut me off. He would want me to come home, learn his trade, go to night school if I earned enough money. He wouldn't ever say it to my face, but I know that's how he feels. He's mechanical like that.

I want to cry so bad. I want to run away because I don't like feeling like this. I feed too much off of my own failure. I know Christ provides. . . He's given me so much and brought me so far. I don't want to fail Him too. I just want to make someone proud.

Lord Jesus, thank you for your mercy.
Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you for making something out of me.
I'm trying. I'm trying hard and failing.
I just want to do anything I can for you.
Help me with my pain and doubt.
I have no hands or feet left to cut off. . .or eyes to gouge out. . .
Please, just hold me.