I got into a pretty deep conversation today with JC at lunch. We talked about doctrine, feeling powerless, how the church isn't living up to its expectations, ect. We talked about how unmotivated we've felt before about getting involved and meeting the requirements of the great commission. I must admit, we have opposing viewpoints on many, many things. He's very liberal minded and I hold to a more conservative view when it comes to politics, ect. In many ways, we would have never seen eye to eye on anything, but we came to an amazing realization today: God gets lots, and lots of glory for uniting things that wouldn't be otherwise under the banner of Christ.

We talked about growing comfortable in cynicism and about throwing stones. To be honest, the Lord convicted me of lots of things today. The main thing was about being comfortable.

"A blanket of blessing is the cloak of the deceiver. . ." -Manchild

Jesus didn't say we would be comfortable. Jesus also didn't say to be happy and giddy all the time - fake happiness that only leads to a deep emptiness that I think if everyone is honest, we've all felt; it's the human condition. Jesus was a man of sorrows and we will experiance suffering for His sake if we pick up our cross and truly follow him. All to often though, I've been leaving my cross at the door. Also, I thought about what it really means to be a member of the family of God. It seems like I've been treating God's family much like I acted in my real family: I've been going to my room by myself and asking people to leave me alone. BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT! I can't beleive I've been so pathetic and such a scoffer and a finger-pointing hypocrite. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired of myself. If I'm ever going to have a family and if I'm ever going to be anyone that Megan and our children can respect, I need to get my act together. I'm supposed to be Christ to them - and if I can't be Christ to those who are most precious to me, then I certainly can't show it to anyone else. It's time to come out of my room.

Christ did say that we would have a joy that prevails in our lives and as I look, I can see that joy shining deep down inside of me. I know that I won't be happy all the time. I'm human. There will be ups and downs. But you know what? I think that failure serves the purpose of controlling pride. I know myself well enough to know that I'll always have to battle with pride and apathy, but Christ is sufficent for that. I'm still learning to submit. I know that prayer isn't about what we say, but it's about our hearts and I feel my heart crying out for nourishment. I'm hungry again. I almost starved to death, but the Lord is healing me.

"People are afraid to say what they mean,
or keep on talking if it's not about them
I don't say I hate them before they hate me
I've just shut down cause I know what we're all thinking
we're just going by the numbers,
dragging along were just clinging on to someone,
anyone suck the blood and leave the carcass, now we're full.
lie to not disrupt the balance, it balances

We're all fake

We want to understand the point,
let us drive it through your naive head
murdered by self-righteous,
we've killed humility dead

So is the flesh weak and the spirit willing?
Or is Jesus inside a building?
the rituals, rules and things we make up,
it takes so much to wake us up to trade the funding and turn the cheek,
to exchange the proud in for the meek to say to our reflections
"I deny you"
feel the splintering wood on my back and follow

You love the men who drove nails through your wrists
I know enough to know that love does exist
if you bled for the fakes that are just like me
why do I want to make all the fakes bleed?

Jesus, forgive us...
we know not what we do
Jesus have mercy on us,
I am what I hate, but I want to be just like you"

-Showbread "Your Friends Are Fake"





Father, You have given so much to us.

Working in our lives and giving us wisdom.

Keep us strong in our time of need.



There will be times when the world will try to bring us down.

We need Your truth because we can't make it on our own.

You are greater than the best the world has to offer.



Weak or strong we will follow You, Father.

Help us to appreciate what we have....

Your precious gift of life.



We will follow You.

Weak or strong, we will follow You, Father.

Sick of Change - "My Prayer To You (In Time of Need)"

You are wonderful, my Lord Jesus. Help me to be a light and give me your mind so that I don't think like myself. Remind me everyday. Let me never be content with my sin. I fear your correction and I don't want to die, but help me to die everyday for your glory. Amen.

I want to dance where you can see me, Lover of My Soul
I want to cry my eyes out in your sight
You are the only one who see all my darkest stains
And it fills me with fright - a terrible fright
But you are faithful! - Lover of My Soul
And in your raging fire I will dance!
Burn away my rights
I surrender you my life
Thank you for giving me another chance!

"The Vessel Never Rebukes The Potter"